Title: The Devil's Rejects (2005)
Plot: The murderous, backwoods Firefly family takes to the road to escape a vengeful police force which isn't afraid of being as ruthless as their target.
Director: Rob Zombie
Actors: Geoffrey Lewis | John H. Tobin | Sid Haig | Bill Moseley | Sheri Moon Zombie | William Forsythe | Ken Foree | Matthew McGrory | Leslie Easterbrook | Priscilla Barnes | Dave Sheridan | Kate Norby | Lew Temple | Danny Trejo | Dallas Page | Brian Posehn | Elizabeth Daily | Tom Towles | Michael Berryman | P.J. Soles | Deborah Van Valkenburgh | Ginger Lynn Allen | Jossara Jinaro | Chris Ellis | Mary Woronov | Daniel Roebuck | Duane Whitaker | Michael 'Red Bone' Alcott | Juanita Guzman | Sean Moran | Jordan Del Spina | Kelvin Brown | Glenn Taranto | Mike Bellesfield | Richard Epcar | Jessica Helmer | Kane Hodder | Tyler Mane | Nicholas Marino | Steve Railsback | Alex Revan | Robert Trebor
it's time for us to do what the Good Lord would refer to
as a "cleansing of the wicked,"
and what my brother George, God rest his soul,
used to call "100% Alabama ass kickin'."
So you think we're gonna die here today?
Dying's not an option. Now, you stick that back
in that gray matter of yours and you make that stick,
'cause any other thought's gonna get you cold-slabbed,
toe-tagged and mailed home to your mom in a plastic bag. Are we crystal?
- Crystal, sir. - Gentlemen!
Let's do what God made us to do.
This is Sheriff John Quincey Wydell...
of the Ruggsville County Sheriffs Department.
You're completely surrounded!
You have no chance of escape!
Now would be the time to vacate the premises peacefully.
There's a million fucking cops!
Otis, the fucking pigs are everywhere!
- Tell me something I don't know! - We've gotta do something!
You're completely surrounded. You have no chance of escape.
Can't take the car, about 25 pigs.
I know, I know! Shit fuck shit fuck!
Shit. Where the fuck is Tiny?
- I ain't seen Tiny. - Tiny!
- I think he went out last night. - Everybody shut up!
Mama, what's the matter?
I keep thinking about... old times...
Iike when you was a fuckin' baby.
- You looked like an angel. - I know, Mama.
- You told me that a million times. - Yeah.
On the count of three!
- Ready? - Yeah.
- One! - I love you, Mama.
- I love you, Baby. - Two!
Die, you fuckers!
- You okay?! - Yeah, are you?
- Ready? - Yeah yeah yeah, go go!
Wydell: Man down!
- Hold your fire! - Hold your fire!
Dobson! Get some tear-gas in that house!
Let's go! Let's go!
Do not fucking move!
I advise you to lower that weapon.
I'm sorry, Sheriff,
but you ain't gettin' me.
Looks like you ain't gettin' off that easy,
All right, everybody listen up.
I want this place gone over with a fine-tooth comb.
Wherever these fuckers are,
- they gotta be close. - I am standing outside the perimeter
of what is turning out to be the most horrific crime scene
since Jack the Ripper stalked the streets of London.
What police have uncovered reads like this--
words can't describe it--
"Human skulls used as ornaments,
body parts stuffed in refrigerators. "
And I can't believe what it says here:
"A mass grave of decomposing bodies
dumped under the crawlspace of the house."
Hey, Chief, you might wanna check this out.
- What? - I don't know.
Jesus H Christ.
What, you recognize the clown?
Yeah, his name is Spaulding,
Captain fucking Spaulding.
Oh, yeah! Ooh, yes! Gimme-- give it to me!
- Yeah. - Yeah yeah.
Yeah, ride the horse, baby! Ride it!
Ride it! Yeah yeah yeah.
God! Oh, yeah, honey. Oh-ho!
- Give it to me.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah! Oh, yeah! - You're the captain.
- Come on, baby. - Yeah yeah yeah...
Oh, ride me, baby. Ride it, ride it.
Ride it! Feels so good!
Yeah! Yes, give it! Give it up! Give it!
Give it, give it! Yeah! Oh!
Come on, baby, ride it home! Yeah yeah yeah...
- Yes! Yeah! - Yeah, oh!
Ah! Oh, honey!
You gettin' a good ride tonight.
Next time, you gonna have to pay me.
Did you just call me a fucking whore?
Well, I calls 'em like I sees 'em.
You think I'm a fucking whore?
I don't think it, I know it.
- Whore this, fucker. - Hey hey hey hey!
Come on now, baby, hold on.
I'm just messing with ya. You know us clowns,
we like to just fool around a bunch, you know? Come on.
- Yeah. - Laugh.
What's the matter, bad dream?
You want to fool around some more?
Oh, Jesus Christ, woman, I gotta take a piss.
- No. - Didn't you get enough ass-banging
Iast night? God damn it, my dick is still sore.
- Oh, come on, I'm horny. - No.
Most guys like that quality in a girl.
Yeah, except you acting like some kinda spastic mongoloid in heat.
- Fuckin' bitch. - Hurry!
Where is it?
Just calm down, it'll be on in a minute.
Ah! Ha ha! There it is!
- Yeah. - You look so sexy.
Captain Spaulding again. I'm here to tell you about a brand-new attraction.
Mary... the monkey. Oh yeah, that's right.
- Ha! That fuckin' monkey. - This here little monkey
... is half real human, half monkey... - I love that monkey.
...I brought all the way from the wilds of Borneo.
When y'all come in, make sure you bring little Johnny and Suzie with you.
She'll scare the holy guacamole out of 'em.
Ha ha! And remember while you're down here,
pick up a "Captain Spaulding for president" T-shirt
all shapes and--
Hey, what the fuck is this?
I paid good money for this goddamn commercial!
Sheriff, "News Update," what is the situation now?
Now what? God damn it!
- What are you-- - Yeah, what?
- Daddy, you gotta get outta there. - Why?
- The pigs hit us this morning real bad. - Shut the fuck up!
- They're gonna be coming for you too. - All right, just calm down.
I'll meet you at the Kahiki Palms Motel just like we always planned.
- Yeah, okay. - I'll be there as soon as I can.
All right, just go now.
What do you need a gun for? Where are we going?
- You ain't going nowhere, bitch. - Oh, Poopy!
Get outta my fuckin' way!
If you're out there listening to this, I got a message for ya.
I'm coming to get ya. You can't run forever.
You're gonna have to stop somewhere, sometime, and when you do
I'm gonna be there to put the wrath of the Lord up your ass.
Poopy, don't go!
God damn it, stop calling me Poopy!
- But, Poopy-- - Leave me alone, woman!
- I want my Poopy! Poopy, no! - Leave me alone!
In an attempt to help the Ruggsville Police Department,
we here at "News Update"
would like to show you these mug shots of the suspects
known to have escaped during the raid earlier this morning.
184 bucks? What?!
- Candy! - What?
Candy, come on down here! Come on, cut that out.
Turn it off. Candy, come down here!
- Come on down here! - All right. Shit.
This is bullshit, baby! What is this?
What do you want me to say? It's a slow fuckin' night, boss.
All them farmers want is a quickie hand job and boom!
Get back on their tractors, save the real fucking for the sheep.
Jesus, Candy, you gotta figure a way to hook 'em in.
You gotta hustle that pussy.
Find a new angle and you might attract a higher clientele.
Yeah, well, I've been thinking about that.
I was thinking about something spacey like that "Star Wars" shit.
You know, them losers wanna fuck Princess Leia, right?
I'd fuck her.
I don't know, you start messing with that spacey shit,
and you'll really bring out some sick bitches.
They all wanting to pretend they're robots.
Last thing I need is horny robots running around, tripping over shit.
Droids... boss, they call 'em droids.
Whatever. I still say it's risky.
Wong's Hong Kong Gardens,
this is Mr. Wong speaking.
Cut the shit, Charlie. It's me, Cutter.
I got a serious meltdown going on down here
and I need a place to cool out, so I'm coming down.
Fuck, man, I don't think it's such a great idea, you coming around here.
I am coming down... now.
- Whoa, ho-- hold it! - Fuck.
Man, I don't see him.
Shit, where the fuck is he?
Jesus! Can we get over this already?
I mean, I just don't find it funny anymore.
I don't know, it's still pretty funny.
- I'd say so. - I hate to be the one
- to tell you I told you so-- - Then don't.
--but ridin' a mechanical bull is not as easy as it looks.
Technically, she had a pretty good ride...
until tragedy struck.
Hey, the lesson here is
that tube tops are not the proper attire for bull riding, Glory.
I agree with you.
You gonna have to put a harness on them little suckers, honey.
Her "tig bitties" were flappin' around--
My titties don't flap!
They looked like two raccoons in a gunnysack fighting to get out.
- Oh, Adam, shut up. - When her top fell down,
I was gonna pee myself!
"l was gonna pee myself!"
You're just jealous 'cause you don't have any titties.
Oh, Gloria, come on, no reason to get mean.
Come on, baby.
You had one titty going this way
and one titty going that way. It was pretty amazing.
Chances are high you made a few fans that night.
Oh, shut up, dipshit.
Well, I told Johnny Cash, and he said--
did you know I shook hands with Johnny Cash once?
Roy, how about you go find me the ice machine?
I need a drink.
I'll get you the ice, but you gotta promise us an encore tomorrow.
You wish, honey. Don't you wish.
The babes are going into seclusion.
Man over radio: The leader of this group who is
a local celebrity goes by the name of Captain Spaulding
along with two other suspects known as Otis--
Aw, shit fuck shit fuck!
God, calm down. Get rid of the car.
Don't worry, I'll get us a room.
- Well, hurry the fuck up! - Fuck you!
Police revealed today that they believe
most of the victims were drugged, kidnapped and sexually assaulted.
God damn it! Fuck!
Hey, Roy, I was doing some research on that thing I was telling you about.
- What thing? - Rodeo clowning.
A rodeo clown? You been smoking dope.
Yeah-- I mean no, not right now.
Let me tell you something.
You spend one second in that pen and that bulI'd have his horn
up your ass and sticking out your pecker.
That's exactly what I thought you'd say.
You know, you can never be supportive of anything I wanna do.
What do you want me to say?
That you're dressed for the part and headed in the right direction?
Well, Adam was saying...
I've always been good with animals.
I mean, dogs love me.
And isn't a horse kinda like a big dog?
I don't know.
No, you're not clown material.
Forget it. I'm gonna walk on over to the gas station.
- You want anything? - No-- yes.
Get me some of that beef jerky.
Thanks for talking.
I could've been on that pit crew down in North Carolina.
Baby: Meow! Meow.
Hey, got a light?
No, uh, I don't smoke.
My doctor says I got lungs like a professional athlete.
Ah, I get it. You wanna live forever.
Yeah yeah, well...
So what, are you on vacation all by yourself or something?
Yeah-- no. I'm actually out here with my singing group.
I do the lead singing for it.
It's called "Banjo and Sullivan."
I used to sing with Johnny Cash. He shook my hand.
I love famous people. They're so much better than the real thing.
Well, yeah, I suppose they are.
I bet all the girls wanna fuck you.
- Would you say that again? - I bet all the girls wanna fuck you.
( both laughing )
Do you kiss your mama with that mouth?
Trust me, fella, that ain't the only thing I do with this mouth.
Don't tell me that! What? Say that again.
That I ain't the only thing I do with this mouth.
It's so depressing.
Let's talk about some of the symbols of these groups
Iike the inverted cross or the pentagram
or the number 666 left at the scene of the crime.
What do you think about that?
This is not an isolated incident.
Well, members of these cults realize they have no chance
of attacking God directly.
- So the next best thing... - Adam, could you switch this?
- I can't stand to hear about this. - What do I look like, Roy?
Well... Roy Sullivan.
You gonna take me back to your room and play with me?
My wife's in that room.
Or is my brother gonna have to shoot
your fucking teeth out of your head?
Okay, let's go, Hoss. Move it.
Just makes me sick to my stomach to think
that we live in a world where there are Satanic cults.
Come on, Gloria, it's a bunch of crap.
- I don't know. - Look at these two idiots.
They're just exaggerating all this shit to try and kick up ratings.
They wanna get people scared so they stay at home,
buy TV dinners. Fuck me running.
I don't know about that. That business down in Ruggsville...
Ruggsville? Ruggsville can kiss my ass.
Ain't nothing but a bunch of local cousinfuckers
corn-holing the livestock.
Could you just switch it for me anyway, please?
Jesus Christ, I don't know how Roy puts up with your shit.
What is taking Roy so long, anyway?
- Hey! - On the bed now!
- Get on the bed! - Let me check my-- all right.
- Easy! - What's going on here, Roy?
Shut up! Did I tell you to fucking speak?
- Hey! Hey! Quiet! Quiet! - Did I tell you you could talk?
Roy, what the hell is this?
- God damn it, look at that jacket. - What?
- Well, fuck the TV. - Fuck the TV? Fuck you!
Will you keep your head on the business at hand?
- Who's in the shower? - That's my wife!
- God damn it! - Don't fuck with.22.
What are you gonna do, man? What the fuck are you gonna do?
I wanna know what the fuck are you gonna do?
Get the fuck out of here!
Don't hurt her, please.
Is this everyone?
Hey, Roy. Open up.
I got some of that Dr. Corndog's hickory-smoked jerky.
Who the fuck is that?
That's Jimmy. He's our roadie.
I forgot all about him.
Baby, you all right?
Now I know I can't trust you!
I'll get him.
- Hey. - I'm sorry. I got the wrong room.
I'm looking for room number two.
No, you got the right room. Come on in.
- Is Roy in there? - Roy's in here, all right. Come on in.
Get your ass in here! On your knees!
We're at the scene of a horrific multiple murder.
- No telling how many-- - God damn it!
... in the process of recovering the corpses
which are in varying states of decomposition.
It's currently being treated as a sign of a mass homicide.
- If initial figures prove-- - ( radio shuts off )
Come on, honey. Mommy has to get to work.
If I'm late one more time, Mr. McDonnell is gonna can my ass.
I am hurrying! I dropped something.
Will you get in the car?!
Okay, come on, let's go get in.
- Mom, a clown. - Yeah yeah, a clown.
Hi. I'm gonna have to be taking your car today.
See, I have some top-secret clown business
that supersedes any plans that you might have for this here vehicle.
What's that about clown business?
Do I stutter, bitch?
Jamie, get in the car. Lock the door.
Where the hell you going? Damn it.
Don't you never turn your back on a fucking clown
- when he's talking to you! - Get your fucking hands off of me!
What's the matter, kid? Don't you like clowns?
Why? Don't we make you laugh?
Aren't we fucking funny? You best come up with an answer
'cause I'm gonna come back here and check on you and your mama.
If you ain't got a reason why you hate clowns,
I'm gonna kill your whole fucking family.
All right, now get your fucking ass out the car!
Go on! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these.
Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these.
dirty knees, look at these.
Hoss, are you staring at my sister thinking bad thoughts?
Why not? You a faggot?
Well, what are you? I mean, you got this hot piece of ass
shaking her shit right in front of you
and you're not getting any ideas? What do you call that?
I'm a married man.
A married fucking man.
Hey, that's just great!
Let's give him a big round of applause, folks, for the married man!
Woo! Married man!
All right. Wow.
Okay, Mama, front and center, on your feet.
Don't hurt her.
Get on your feet. Come on.
Please, mister, this is insane.
Boy... the next word that comes outta your mouth
better be some brilliant fucking Mark Twain shit,
'cause it's definitely getting chiseled on your tombstone.
Okay, come on, Mama. Take that shit off,
Iet's see what's been holding Hoss's balls at attention all these years.
What? Take off your clothes,
or one of these assholes is going to die.
Come on, come on.
Shit, way to go, Roy! She ain't too bad.
She got a tight little ass on her!
And she got some child-rearing hips.
Huh, yeah, hey.
Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me.
Here, ooh, Jeez. Roy, beginning to see what you mean.
Please don't hurt me.
You like this, don't ya?
Say "Yes, I do."
You like that, don't ya? Say "Yes, I do."
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Yes, l-- I do.
Give me some sugar. Make it sweet.
Don't want me to tense up my trigger finger.
- My finger's getting tense...
I want you to say, "You're the almighty devil,
and I want you to make me my filthy whore."
Come on, say it. I know it.
I know you're feeling it. Say it.
You're... the... almighty... devil
and I want you... to make me your... fucking whore.
You make me sick.
I feel like we're all really getting to know each other now.
All right, ladies. Me and the boys have an errand to run.
We'll be back in a little while.
Come on, Hoss, move it.
Come on, shit stain! Gotta go!
Come on! God damn it!
Authorities struggle to comprehend the grizzly remains found
in what is now being called the most heinous crime in American history.
The group responsible for these murders
is now being referred to as "The Devil's Rejects" by the local media.
A woman known only as "Mother Firefly"
was taken into police custody today
after a violent gun battle with police
that left four officers dead and seven wounded.
I'm Derek Sanderson
bringing the world to your doorstep.
Open the gate.
my name is Sheriff John Quincey Wydell.
Let's see who we got here.
Miss Gloria T easdale,
alias Eve Wilson,
alias Southern Betty Woods...
And of course,
alias Mother Firefly.
You can read.
Four counts, grand theft auto.
Five counts, armed robbery.
What's this? Looks like your specialty...
17 counts, solicitation and prostitution.
You've been one busy whore.
I bet them old farmboys love you.
Everyone loves me.
Don't you pretend...
you don't fancy me.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
I find you quite irresistible.
- Dobson. - Yes, sir.
- Put them books over there. - Got it.
Ma'am, you recognize these books, here?
Oh! Ain't she an angel?
Well, she gonna be one dead angel when I catch up to her--
you, your whole clan, you dead already.
You're just ghosts, just waiting to expire.
The way I figure it, only choice you got
is to cooperate and tell me where they are.
That way your little angel over there
don't have to die like no dog in the streets when I catch her.
- Are you done trying to scare me? - No, ma'am.
With God as my witness...
I have only just begun.
can I show you something?
I'll need this book here.
I did never...
get around to putting these in the book proper.
And I thought...
you might enjoy them.
Oh... you know...
he was a real sweetie pie.
You know, I feel contrite
about blowing his brains out,
'cause he seemed like such a nice man.
he said... his name was also Wydell.
Was he kin to you?
Listen to me,
you gonna listen to me good.
I'm going to kill every member of your family.
I am gonna hunt them down like animals and skin 'em alive.
They are gonna feel the pain and suffering of every last victim.
They're gonna crawl on their hands and knees and beg me for mercy,
but all I'm gonna have for 'em is pain.
- You're dead!
You go get 'em, Sheriff!
Go get your ghost! Them ghosts is gonna
crawl right up in your h-e-e-e-ead!
You found yourself into something you ain't never getting out of!
We'll get ya! We'll... get ya!
We'll get ya! You're dead, Sheriff!
You're dead! I'll see you
in fucking hell!
Hey, Hoss, you like this song?
Do you like this song?
I don't know. Yeah, I guess so.
- Which way? - Take a right.
You like that T op 40 shit?
I thought you were like some kinda
true-blue-balls-earnest-kill-'em country fucker.
You're nothing but a city faggot with a cowboy hat.
Okay, get out.
Follow the yellow brick road.
Otis: That's right.
You know, Hoss, if I'm not mistaken,
I think I can smell your wife's pussy-stink on my gun.
Hope it doesn't rust the barrel.
You know, the stress of the day is really setting in on me.
You guys happen to know how a guy like me could relieve some tension?
Ah, maybe-- I think your wife Wendy, boy,
Iooks like she could relieve some tension.
- Mister, where we going? - Those little titties--
we're going down the road here.
Those little titties, she's got a tight little ass.
Does she like it when you puke?
Is that part of your deal?
Where you taking us?
Well, I guess, it wouldn't do no harm to tell you none.
We're gonna go dig up some guns I buried out here a couple years ago.
- Then what? - Well, there ain't no "what."
That's the end of the road.
- You're not gonna kill us, are you? - Killing sounds so permanent.
Adam: We did everything you want, mister, just let us go.
We did what you said.
First of all, I didn't say anything.
And second of all, I'm calling the shots!
Consider me fucking Willy fucking Wonka!
This is my fucking chocolate factory! You got it?!
Get him, Roy!
Get the gun, Roy!
Please, mister, stop. Please.
- Stop. - Stop?
Bitch, I have just started.
You know, I was gonna take it easy on you, boy,
but you brought this down on yourself.
You had to come all fucking-big-stick- walking-tall
Iike a big, fucking hero! You got yourself to blame.
Look at you now, hero! You're gonna fucking bleed to death.
That's what they all say, "Fuck you!"
Well, it ain't gonna save ya. It don't scare me none
and don't make you a hero!
Wanna see what happens to heroes, boy?
You wanna see bad-ass, motherfucker? I'll show you bad-ass!
Hoss, I want you to pray to your God.
I want you to pray that He comes and saves you.
I want lightning to come down and crash upon my fucking head!
- I pray... Jesus... - Louder!
Bless the bunnies, bless the little birds--
- I don't feel anything. ---bless the springtime morning.
I feel it!
Oh, Great God Almighty, I repent, I repent!
I feel the love of the God-God-God Almighty!
Oh, the Holy Spirit is in my body!
I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
You fucking motherfucker!
You fucking motherfucker! Son of a bitch!
I've got other plans for you... hero.
Shut the fuck up!
Can I go to the bathroom, please? I'm about to piss myself.
Can she go to the bathroom? Please?
What?! I heard you the first time. I was just thinking.
What are you gonna do for me?
- What? - Go piss yourself for all I care.
If you want special favors, you gotta give me something in return.
What do you want?
I want you to hit her in the face.
- What? - I know you heard me.
Make it hurt, no love taps.
I want to hear it.
Harder, she ain't gonna break.
You better make this next one fucking count!
Good, very nice.
Now you come here.
Right here. Kneel down.
Give me a kiss and say, "Thank you, Baby, I'm having a great time."
Thanks, Baby, I had a really good time.
Now make it fast, bitch!
Don't try anything cute!
Now, what do you want to do?
Damn it, I knew that cunt would do something stupid.
Shut up! Open the fucking door!
- Open the goddamn door! - Okay! Hold it!
Somebody help me!
What are you gonna do, shoot me?
What did I ever really do to you?
I swear I'll do it. I'll kill you.
Why would you want to kill me?
I'm you're only hope, my brother's fucking crazy.
- Please! - Wendy, it's all right!
Come on out--
Go ahead, shoot me. Shoot me right in the ass!
Stupid cunt! Ain't no bullets in this thing.
It's all fucking mind power.
Somebody, help! Somebody, please!
Help! Help! Help!
Help me! Help me!
Oh, God. Help me!
- Whoa whoa, darling. - She's crazy!
Daddy, grab that bitch!
Hey, Chief, I think I got something.
This Captain Spaulding guy,
Captain Spaulding's a character from "Animal Crackers,"
a Marx Brothers' movie.
I'll be damned.
Think it means anything?
I don't know.
Tell you what, you get that movie critic over here. What's his name?
- Marty Walker? - Yeah, that's him.
Tell him to get his ass over here as soon as he can.
Tell him to bring whatever information he's got about the Marx Brothers,
particularly characters Groucho played in his movies.
All right, I'll get right on it.
This shit's just getting weirder and weirder.
Shit, Daddy, I didn't think you were coming.
Where the fuck is Otis?
Not back from getting the guns yet.
You wanna fuck with me? Huh, bitch?
You ain't got what it takes.
He fucks this up, I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.
You believe this bitch had the balls to try and fuck with me?
Cox, nice of you to make it. Enjoying your meal?
What? I gotta eat.
My blood sugar gets off, I'm not gonna be any good to anybody.
Ya ain't no good to nobody anyhow.
Listen here, that movie expert guy's here. Wanna talk to him?
Want me to bring him in?
All right, all right, I'll get him right now.
Mr. Walker? Come on in, please.
Sheriff Wydell, it's a pleasure.
I rushed right over as soon as I got your call.
You came to the right man.
I happen to be a self-proclaimed Marx Brothers expert if I say so myself.
I'm sure your knowledge of bullshit is limitless.
Why don't we get to the point? What do you got for me?
I got a fucking grocery list for you
of all the major Marx Brothers characters and related characters,
and I made a secondary list of any and all films having to do with Groucho,
including such gems as "A Girl in Every Port," and "Skidoo,"
where Groucho played the part of God...
directed by Otto Preminger, who happened to be Jewish,
although he played a Nazi commandant in "Stalag 17" directed by Billy Wilder.
Otto Preminger also directed "Exodus,"
and it's rumored that at the premiere
Mort Sahl stood up, yelled at the screen,
- "Otto! Let my people go!" - Give me the damn list.
It's ironic, don't ya think? Nazi, State of lsrael?
They're all here, all the aliases--
"Rufus Firefly, Otis Driftwood,
Captain Spaulding"-- all of 'em.
Hey, Chief, I'm thinking we ought to track down this Groucho Marx guy,
ask him a few questions, maybe he's involved.
Idiot, he died last year. He died, didn't he?
Oh God damn it. God damn it, see?
That right there is one sad, pathetic state of cinematic affairs.
If you weren't a cop, I'd wring your neck.
Hey, let's take that down a notch.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
This sneering, rotating, gyrating pelvis son of a bitch,
he died three days before Groucho,
stole all the goddamn headlines.
That goddamn, fucking Elvis Presley.
What did you say about The King?
He died three days before Grouch--
You ever say another derogatory word
about Elvis Aaron Presley in my presence again,
I will kick the living shit out of you!
You get this Hollywood-loving pussy out of my face.
- Elvis is in Hollywood! - Get the hell outta here!
- His first film... - Get out!
..."Love Me T ender," was based on an lrish folk song!
Booga booga booga booga booga booga booga booga!
Don't you fucking knock?
- Where the fuck you been? - Did you get everything?
Oh, yeah, I got everything.
You, motherfucker! Where the fuck have you been?
Hey! You got a problem with my timeframe, son,
you best spit it out right now.
Yeah, I got a problem. I got a big fucking problem, bozo!
Well, make your move, laddie, two hits.
I hit you and your dick hits the fucking dirt.
Old man, you ain't hitting nothing!
Hey, cut the shit, we gotta get the fuck outta here.
What are we gonna do with this one?
Leave her for a maid to clean up.
I got a better idea.
We regret to inform you
that the "Banjo and Sullivan Show" will be canceled tonight.
Jesus Christ. What a fucking mess.
Wydell: 40-ton truck has a tendency of doing that, Kenny.
Listen, you mind getting one of your donut brigade to go over there
and scoop up some of that skull matter?
Put it in a bag for the meds.
Yeah, you got it.
Is that the lady who found her?
Yeah, the maid.
That's Maria Gomez.
She say anything?
Yeah, a lot of things.
But I don't speaka no Spanish.
It's all mumbo jumbo to me.
Shit, what am l, the mayor of Tijuana?
Got one guy,
Clarks, he speaks Spanish,
but he called in sick
from what he calls "explosive diarrhea."
You mind sparing me any further details about your deputy's asshole, Kenny?
- No. - What'd I tell ya?
Chief, got a couple shit-kickers over there,
says they're here to meet you.
- Recognize those guys? - Yeah, I know 'em.
- What's going on, shitheads? - Sheriff.
Here's the list of names I need you to run down for me.
That's a funny-ass name.
Look who's fucking talking, Rondo.
Just call me if anything connects.
I'm sure it will.
Shit always floats our way, don't it?
You keep your mouth open wide enough, maybe you'd catch it all.
Don't fuck this up, assholes.
Have fun scraping all them brains up off the road.
See ya later, Kenny.
This is bullshit. I trust that fucker Charlie about as much as I trust you.
Where the hell you get off talking shit about Charlie?
Hey, I know what I know, and I know I don't like that nut sack.
Well, unless you got a better suggestion,
I suggest you keep your fucking pie hole shut.
That is the only remotely safe place I know about.
Hey, man, if anyone's interested,
I think I'm gonna be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles.
"Hey man, think I'm gonna be wanting
some ice cream in about 10 miles."
Don't you fucking imitate me! It's fucking rude!
"l know what I know and I know I don't like that nut sack."
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
Two fucking seconds for the kids, is that gonna kill you?
Yes, it is gonna kill me.
I have calculated the time and two seconds is
the exact amount of time that's a hazard to my fucking health!
Come on, don't be such a fucking drag, I'm starving.
Hey, eat this.
What is your fucking problem? I'm in and out in two seconds.
I think I'm gonna get me tuttifuckingfruity.
Tuttifuckingfruity, that sounds good.
- Shut up! - Tuttifuckingfruity!
- Shut up! Shut up! - Tutti-fucking-fruity!
There is no fucking ice cream in your fucking future.
I don't know why you have to be such a grouch. This is really good.
Here, have some.
Yeah, over here, come on.
Come and get it.
Yes, Mr. Wy-fucking-dell.
Piggy, come over here and get some.
Don't fucking move, clown.
You looking for somebody?
What the hell you doing down here, George?
I live here now.
No. You got that all wrong, George.
I mean, this ain't your home.
I got no choice, Johnny.
This here is my fate.
I cannot rest until this whole thing is over.
And I'm asking you, brother...
kill 'em, John. End this shit now.
I'm-I'm walking the line on this, brother. I'm walking the line.
Well, Mother pin a rose on me.
That is so great.
I want these motherfuckers dead!
I'm sorry, George.
- Yeah? - Hey, I think I found your guy.
Yeah, a friend of mine, about 10 years ago,
he used to buy hooch from this guy out here.
Went by the name of Wolf J Flywheel.
Yeah, but-but his partner called himself "The Captain."
Sounds like the fuckers we're looking for, huh?
Yeah, Wolf J Flywheel. That name's on the list.
Apparently, now Wolf J
goes by the name of Charlie Altamont.
All right, good. You know what to do.
We wouldn't be talking if I didn't.
So is the shit on?
The shit is on.
Open the door, Deputy.
Take the night off, Freddy. I'll watch the prisoner.
Well well well,
working late tonight, aren't we, Sheriff?
What's the matter?
Can't sleep? Hell running loose in the streets?
Or did ya just miss Mama?
As a matter of fact, I was feeling kinda lonely.
I knew you couldn't stay away.
I got that power over men.
Women like me are a rare breed.
Don't you agree?
Oh, yes, ma'am, I do.
I ain't been broken, you know.
Men like that.
Ooh, you got me going this afternoon.
You think you can break me?
You like it rough?
Oh, honey, you can have it any way you want.
I don't want it rough.
I like it hot...
- and slow. - Mmm.
- Hot... and slow. - Mmm.
- You like that, Mama? - Oh, yeah.
You like that, Mama?
Check this place out.
I know that ain't Cutter walking towards me with that stupid grin.
'Cause I know I swore if I ever saw that dumb-cunt-
no-good-piece-of-shit- motherfucking brother of mine,
he'd soon be a dead piece- of-shit- no-good-motherfucking brother of mine.
Okay, everybody in the peanut gallery,
Simon says hands up.
He said put your fucking hands up!
What the fuck is this shit?
You bring us all the way out here and this prick pulls a gun on us?
- Nice fucking plan, daisy. - Just do it!
- He's a crazy pigfucking son-- - What'd you call me?!
Well, if you give me a chance,
I was gonna call you a crazy-pig- fucking-dumb-ass-pussy piece of shit.
Oh, brother, you's a dead man.
Ain't that the most goddamn realest water gun you ever did see?
Oh, shit! That was great, man.
Sorry about that, it's just a little game we used to always play on folks.
- And it still works! - Hell, yeah.
- That's a fucking hoot. - Johnny, this is my daughter, Baby.
- My niece? - Yes!
You all grown up. Give me some love!
And you remember happy boy here.
Are you still an asshole?
This is Casey, my most limber lady.
And this is Candy, my special lady
and my... top-earning gal.
What you looking at?
- I'm looking at you, mama. - You see something you like?
Maybe. I set my standards low so I'm never disappointed.
Oh, well, I don't disappoint.
Fuck, let's go inside.
No sense standing around like--
stonefoot roosters in a fuck farm!
- Let's celebrate. - Oh, yeah.
You know, I gotta tell ya,
that is some catch-phrase you got there.
You got something to say to me, clown?
I bet you scare lots of folks, don't ya?
Yeah, you're a regular, fucking killer.
You want a piece of this, motherfucker? You want a piece of this?!
Huh? What you got?! What you got?!
Lord, I am Your arm of justice.
Lord, I am Your arm of justice.
I am Your arm of justice,
Your righteous sword of vengeance.
Let my blows be true.
Oh, yeah, Lord have mercy!
What a morning.
- Clevon! - Yeah, boss.
You know why I come here to get these chickens?
'Cause my brother makes the best fried chicken in the world.
is that right?
Good morning, good morning, sir! How are you?
How y'all doing? Good morning.
Good good good. What ya got for me?
We got these real cute barred rock chickens here.
- Yeah, I see it. - Got them nice, long-legged...
- Rhode lsland red chickens. - Rhode lsland red!
- Yeah. - Oh, I like them!
I want a Rhode lsland red for me, all right?
- Two of 'em. Yeah. - Rhode lsland red, two?
Now, y'all ain't planning on fucking these chickens, are you?
What the fuck are you getting at?
Do you fuck chickens?
Well, I have thought about fucking some chickens before.
If you want to have a good time and you need some pussy,
you can cut that chicken's head off
and stick your dick in that ass of that chicken,
and that damn chicken'll go crazy on your ass and go...
Are you saying that I would cut off a chicken's head, put my dick in it,
fuck it and go "Aaahhh"?
You accusing me of fucking a chicken, motherfucker?
No, I ain't call you a chicken fucker, but...
boy over there looks sexually frustrated and...
I don't approve of chicken fucking.
- You hear what he called me, boss? - My mistake.
He called me a fucking chicken fucker!
Go back and grab the fucking chickens, Clevon.
- Here's five. - Appreciate it, thank y'all.
He's a chicken fucker!
That's all right, put it back there.
Next time, we go someplace else.
We ain't never buying chickens from him again, boss!
I know, I know.
You inbred! Inbred!
Wolf J Flywheel?
Get your motherfucking pimp ass over here now.
Who are you talking about, man? Who you talking to?
What's going on, Sheriff? What'd we do?
What's going on, baby?
You and me, we're gonna have a little powwow
about a certain Captain Spaulding
and his merry band of assholes.
- Captain who? - You know what I'm talking about,
am I correct?
Hey, Sheriff... not in the middle of the street.
Ain't no sense in getting crazy out here.
I don't like no motherfuckers playing dumb with me.
Now, let me tell you the way it's gonna go down.
You're gonna make sure all three of them dirtbags
are present and accounted for tonight at midnight. You got me?
You understand me? Charlie! You got me?
What if I say no?
Then I ought to shoot your ass right fucking here and now,
you and that other ugly motherfucker.
And I'm gonna forget this conversation ever happened.
It's a bad day to fuck with me, Charlie boy.
Hey, we got you this far. Shit.
Without us, you'd still be swimming around with your head up your ass.
Hey, Chief, don't sweat it. Have a beer.
It's all going to work out to your satisfaction.
If I were you, I'd put the beer down and keep your mind on business
before business jumps up and bites you right in the ass.
Don't worry about me, boss.
They'll think goddamn King Kong came down from Skull lsland
and raped them a new fucking asshole.
Hey, man, don't give me none of that cocky-ass-
yard-bird-pumping-iron-I'm-the-baddest- motherfucker-that-ever-lived horseshit.
That might work on some Johnny Redneck bail jumper,
but that don't mean shit to me.
Then I suggest you pick up the bat phone
and call some new motherfuckers in.
Dime a dozen, man. Fuck you.
- Fuck me? - Yeah.
Fuck you, motherfucker!
Hey, hold it, hold it! We gotta cool our shit, here!
Look, you hired the unholy two because you wanted the best money could buy.
Now, you got nothing to worry about.
We're gonna get the job done.
Might talk a lot of shit, but we will get the job done.
Here's the deal.
I don't give a good God damn what condition they're in.
I just want 'em alive so I can piss in their face before they die.
You are one sick fucking pirate.
Hey, Billy Ray, your mama's on the phone.
She owes me 14 bucks! Get down here.
- Better keep a rope on that asshole. - Yeah, I know.
Now look, G, let me explain something to you.
You've been using a bazooka to exterminate three little roaches.
Now when you hunt roaches, you don't blow up your house.
You send in an exterminator so he can--
he crawls like a roach;
He thinks like a roach; He has a little roach mind--
Hey... you be careful
or maybe you get stepped on like a roach.
I'm gonna tell you something, brother,
you have got it made.
Please, man, don't be fooled by the glamour.
I got trouble. Don't get me started.
Trouble. What kinda trouble you got?
Man, you got hot and cold running pussy on tap!
Man, dealing with these greedy bitches
ain't all it's cracked up to be.
Go ahead. Pick it up, pick it up.
Take a hit on this.
Man, I got the best, mmm.
Take one for me too, man.
Hey, listen, you got a nose like a vacuum cleaner.
Don't do up all my cocaine.
Brother, would l do that to you?
No, you my brother...
- See? -...and I love you.
- All right. - All right, baby.
But I love my cocaine better. Fuck you.
Oh, man, that's some cold shit right there.
Well, any port in a fucking storm.
Charlie, brother, my brother--
I've been looking for you, clown.
You gonna start the killing,
you best start it right here.
Make sure I'm all the way dead,
or I will come back and make you my bitch.
Bitch that, motherfucker.
Get up, bitch!
Stop it! Stop it, motherfucker!
- Oh! Fuck! Oh! - Get these scumbags in that truck.
It wasn't personal, brother.
Business is business, baby!
She's right, Charlie. You are an asshole.
Why don't you get on your fucking horse and ride?
All right, let's get this freak show on the road.
What the fuck are you doing there? Get the fuck up!
You know, I got to thank you all...
for helping me to understand what my heritage is.
You see, the Wydells, they've always been vigilante justice.
Now, my granddaddy, he rode with the likes of T om Horn,
killing scum like you for a living.
We've always been devil slayers.
See I tried to walk the line,
but now I realize there is no line.
We here, we are playing on a level that most will never see.
I know my brother George, he didn't see it.
Maybe he had a divine moment
when his brains hit the floor.
Yeah, well, maybe you will too.
I got over here some photographs
of every missing person within 1 00 miles of this shithole.
Take a look at that. She was beautiful, huh?
Hell, anybody'd fuck her.
This is what she looked like when we pulled her out
of your little fucking torture shack.
She ain't so fuckable anymore, huh?
Oh, yes, she is.
I cut her tongue out and tied her to my bed for a month.
Busted that bitch wide open.
Well, then you get to have this as a souvenir.
What about Mary Knowles, anybody?
That fucking bitch is mine.
No no, she was mine. I did her, come on. Bring it onto me.
- Nah, she's all mine. - Baby, shut the fuck up!
Baby, you want her, you got her.
Come and get me, motherfucker!
You see this picture?
That's my brother George.
Old George, he was a good man.
I'm sure that's what got him killed.
Anyway, y'all take a good look at that.
Because that's the reason you gonna die tonight.
Yeah, I remember.
Stupid fuck just like you.
Come at me like
some kinda matinee fucking cowboy idol.
All I had to do was point him in a direction and there he goes,
Officer Wyfucking-Dell to the rescue.
And I hate fucking clowns.
Yeah, you couldn't do all this by yourself!
I slayed me a devil just the other day.
What you think? Huh?
See any you like?
You liar. Those photos ain't real.
There's no way you killed Mama.
No, Baby, they're real.
Take a look at her right there.
Take a look at her eyes the way they are like that. She's dead.
You know what I did?
I took my knife and I stuck it in there real good.
And I kinda twisted it a little bit.
kinda like fucked her with it, you know?
Let me tell you, that old whore came
before I fucking took her miserable life.
You motherfucker. I'm gonna fucking kill you!
You gonna kill me?
You're gonna fucking kill me?
- Get off me, fucker! - You take a good look at that, bitch.
Take a good, fucking look. You were her little angel,
her little angel.
That's why I got something special in mind for you.
Yeah? Well I can't fucking wait.
If you want it, here it is. Come and get it. Come on!
From delusion, lead me to truth.
From darkness, lead me to light.
From death, lead me to eternal life.
Are you feeling it, brother?
It's time to end this little charade.
Look, you're free.
I said fucking run!
Burn well, motherfuckers.
Come and get it!
I can hear you, Baby girl!
I can hear you!
I got something here for ya!
What's that I smell?
It smells like rabbit!
It's me, Charlie, calm down.
How could you do this? You ruined everything!
Calm down, Baby! This is not the time.
- Gotta get you outta here. - Daddy and Otis are in the house--
I'll get them, but first we gotta get you someplace safe.
Now, come on.
Cutter! Cutter, wake up! Cutter, wake up!
Cutter! Wake the fuck up! Wake the fuck up!
- Wait in the car and I'll go get them. - I want to go!
Oh, just get in! Go on.
Run, Baby girl, run.
Run run run!
Lord, I bet that hurts.
Man, I could hear that bone shatter from right here.
What the hell we got here?
Hey, looky here, I got something for you.
Oh, yeah, I got something for ya.
Hey, get up!
Come on, I said get up!
- Fuck you. - I don't know about you,
but I sure wish I had a bullwhip for this occasion,
but I found this. I reckon it'll do.
You like that? You like the feeling of being helpless?
At the mercy of someone who's as sadistic and deranged as you?!
Not such a fucking party, is it? Doesn't make it you feel proud?
- Fuck you! - Fuck me? Oh, no.
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Daddy and Otis are still in the house. Go get 'em.
The nails! The nails!
Tiny! Tiny! Come on, man!
You sure about this?
We'll come back for you.